THINKING and TANKING

Yo wassup yo!

im gone hom in a little while and its all downhill from there. the ride is long and fast and inexplicably dangerous. the whistling of the breeze will bombard my eardrums and my eyes will be dry from the bashing.

yeah im crazy i know, the people in my head will whack the shit of the realiztic notion that no one is insane and that sanity is just a matter of perspective. but i know that i am insane! and i am awesomely glad of that fact ahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH!!!

AARGHH!! the frustration of a killing spree gone wrong, pent up emotion wasted in a rush of blood lust misdirected! the anger seeps through and i SCREAM into the world around me. WAKE UP TO MY MENTALITY!!! I want to kill you all!!!

no wait. i dont :)

the flowers bloom on an evening field covered in grass. as i peacefully walk off after my evening run once again. the wind is now a soothing sensation cooling my heated nerves and the sun sinks and the clouds pass its message of goodbye in a red flash of brilliance!

i'll see you all after my exams.

An Echo of a Narcissist

On the eve of another weekend and I’m feeling so goddamn down. My finals start on Monday and I’ll be done by Friday. Imagine that eh, one and a half years of dedicated work and now I am finally wrapping up my dip. But Friday will also be the day when I kiss my love goodbye. One and a half years of motivation to come early to class every Sunday morning was definitely a good thing. Yet it is sad that it was never anything more than that. We talked, we laughed, had lunch together. Ah, I have some good memories with that girl.

Generally depression tends to take over me at odd times of the day. But strangely I am always happy in the nights. It is like all the possibilities, hopes and dreams of the next day manifest themselves as something more solid than mere fantasy. Yeah well, nights are definitely my thing I suppose. Or maybe this is just a passing illusion and the nights are just the best time of the day for me right now.

whatever said, my mood swings are so unpredictable that they just suddenly take over me out of the blue. it is like one moment i am all bubbly and the next; boom! lol but one good thing is that I now know that eventually the gloom will lift and i'll be myself again.

I am natutrally a melancholy person. I dont know, but some part of me will always like sitting down with a grave expression on my face and thinking grave thoughts. i suppose it is what i use to differentiate myself from the rest of the human race. sort of an attempt at playacting at being one of those Philosophical Greats i've heard about and admire.

i am an eternally self obsessed narcissist. or is it right to say it like that? i mean, if you're self obsessed then you have to be a narcissist, and if you are a narcissist then it goes without saying that you have to be self obsessed. i guess it was the wannabe philosopher in me again trying to impress. so i guess he will now have to decide whether he'd rather be called a narcissist or just self obsessed. let him ponder that.

while he is being kept busy, let me give vent to another of my personalities. notice i did not say 'split personality' and that is because there is nothing split up about my personalities. they are many and constantly mixing themselves up with each other to form new, and heretheto non-existent forms and always give in their input and jump in during the mental processes of my brain. Even, and especially, when they are not asked to do so.

But i would generaly describe myself and a person who is generally satisfied with his suroundings.

This brings me to the personality I was talking about. the Analyst. even at this moment the Analyst is analyzing what i am writing and together with the PR guy is trying to convince me to not be so open with the outside world. the reading of various crime and conspiratorial novels has left the Analyst eternally suspicious about what to reveal and what not to and he undergoes extreme pains to try and figure out how the individuals in his life will interpret what is being revealed and how every nuance will affect his future in different ways.

This attack is however counterracted on a constant basis by the Idealist and the Experimenter (who might just be one and the same; i do not know yet) who claim that putting yourself out there in nothing but raw and brutally truthful detail is too good a chance to miss. The I & E is almost sadistic in his intent to break all emotional and protective barriers of his psyche and takes an almost maniacal glee in doing exactly the opposite of what the Anylyst recommends.

Yet I&E is not a total psychopath. he will stop where logical reason dictates he must. He will stop whe he understands that his actions will definitely result in some unfavorable outcome. the Idealist & Experimenter (knowingly or unknowingly) often takes it upon himself to prove or disprove the sometimes outlandish, yet mostly reasonably acceptable, theories of the Analyst.

Well teamwork is alway a good thing is'nt it?

Until next time then peeps, the Narcissist (I think he's decided on that for now)has left the building.

The Day After Tomorrow; Today.

Aargh it’s been a terrible day men. Went through absolute shit to meet deadlines, had my printer break down on me more than once when in the greatest hurry, almost had a crow shit on me on the way to meet a lunch date that I kept waiting on the roadside for 45 gordforsaken minutes! And needless to say she was super-pissed and my charming smile had to work overtime to compensate. I mean c’mon I couldn’t even have lunch cos I had to rush back to work to meet (you guessed it) more deadlines. Add to that I’ve been super horny lately and upcoming examinations haven’t been helping my stress levels either. And my boss. I swear man; don’t get me started on my boss!

He’s a pain. No, let me correct myself, he’s a Pain. There I am just dying to get away to meet my date and there he is giving me that blank stare and asking for that freaking excel sheet ‘in one hour’. And I’m like ‘I’ve got some lunch plans’ and that moronic f**ker goes; ‘but you can give it to me in one hour no?’ I smile, nod, wondered WTF happened today and walked off.

Now I’m sitting down writing about it and still wondering WTF happened. I’m earning next to nothing here, fuel prices are going through the bloody roof making it increasingly impossible for me to roll around town with my main girl Angie as much as I’d like. Seems like all the joy is draining out of my already miserable life.

Oh yeah, did I mention several people to whom I related my worries to throughout the day told me that a crow shitting on you is actually good luck? That goddamn piece of crow shit missing me by the barest few inches was the only bit of luck I had the whole freaking day!! Thank you very much

Suspicion

I am a deeply suspicious individual. Why? I do not know. I have always had deep rooted trust issues with people. Always? I don’t know. Maybe they materialized after a serious blow I did have a couple of years ago. As I remember I was a deeply trusting person. But I wasn’t an idiot. I used to let people have their way, but I also used to watch them and see what they were up to or maybe I didn’t. Maybe in retrospect I have lost my ability to judge my trusting nature in those years previous to my big ‘trust implosion’.

Repeatedly I have found myself in situations where I have suspected totally absurd things about what people were upto only to be proven wrong with the passage of time. One thing I have learned and tried to do is be aware of my mistrust and paranoid conspiratorial personality. So I actually try not to make any hasty decisions based on emotions. I guess the more you put yourself through tough situations, the more capable you get. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Its an old saying, but its been proven ight time after time after time.

ROLLING ON

Well the world rolls on around its tiny orbit around this vast resource of energy that keeps our livelihood constant. And this sun in itself is only one sun out of millions in the little galaxy we like to call the Milky Way, which in turn is only a speck in the vast reaches of the Universe. The closest galaxy to ours, Andromeda (also known as Messier 31 or M31) is approximately 2.5 million light years away and contains, as far as we know, 1 trillion stars.

Man! And these are just two, just two mind, of the billions of trillions of galaxies that possibly exist in the universe. And human understanding is nowhere close to grasping the true nature of the universe or what possibilities and perceptual incapability’s prevent us from actually seeing what’s real.

Consider a horse or cow or frog or fly. I am told that they see the world in different ways. Flies see the world as if looking at thousands of tiny TV screens looking at the same image. Now to a fly, its perceptual capabilities limit itself to a certain outlook on the world. Its intelligence and mental structure limits it to a certain understanding. It cannot comprehend the vast store of human knowledge and wisdom and indeed it is not aware of the vastness of its surroundings to the extent that we are.

But does that necessarily mean that we are perfect in perceptual ability? Can we understand everything there is to understand? Can we see everything there is to be seen and can we feel, touch, taste and hear everything there is to felt touched tasted and heard? Or are we like flies in our own kingdom, self-satisfied because we think we are constantly furthering our knowledge and experience and always figuring our better ways of doing things.

Scientists talk of the Fourth Dimension, the space-time continuum etc etc. how many of these concepts on the very edge of physics can any human being actually grasp. Indeed, even the scientists who put them forward only have a minute amount of fact to support these hypotheses. All we know is that there are a whole lot of scientifically inexplicable things happening in the world around us and these theories are our ways of attaching some kind of understanding to these phenomena so that we can continue to investigate them based on that understanding.

But what of the optimism that most humans have that eventually, given enough time and investment in the quest for more knowledge, that human beings can eventually be all-knowing? And when I say all knowing I mean All Knowing. We would be able to understand everything from the inner workings of the universe to the nature of life itself and be able to manipulate it all? We would be immortal, travel anywhere in the blink of an eye, give and take life to lesser beings. In other words, we would be God.

If you believe progress has no end then if you keep thinking ahead you will have to either reach this point of this God-complex or stop somewhere down the line. Possibly ending up in some mass disaster and a snap back to primitive times after which we would eventually find ourselves back to a state of high development before being rudely snapped back to primitivity as a result of our self destructive tendencies once again.

And the latter is not so much of a freaky theory after all. Maybe the human race has inbuilt characteristics that prevent it from ‘progress’ after going a certain distance. Think of the Babylonians, the Egyptians whose wonderful secrets disappeared along with their civilizations? What about the fabled land of Atlantis around which many stories of power and unparalleled advancement are built? Could these be traces of previous human civilizations that rose and fell with the tide of time?

One thing we do know, the powerful are always arrogant. And there is no doubt that the majority of humans think that our race has never been so advanced or educated as it is now. Well I’ll bet you anything that those ancients in Egypt thought the same. But look what happened to them. Is the same fate in store for us?