Regurgitate

I collapse
almost
within the reach
of the door.

Regurgitate
Falling back
marketing research
the planning gap
quantitavive methods
quality circles
what a load.

the road is blurred
need to go
on inside
to sit
to write.

The fantasy black
darkness forseen
the mental illusion
a mystery shopper
probing my mind.

cant
move
fall
back
dellsuional
faint
fade
THE MARKETING PLAN!
no no thats tomorrow
THE RESEARCH objective?
ah yes thats
more like
it,
Struggle
GET UP
MOVE

cant..
 fade..
  faint..
   crumple...
     the door..
      the testtttttttttgukbf9y8 A)C6895qd8961207.............

First Love

blurred vision
a truth of a new kind
fell on her eyes
as her thoughts slackened
and she got lost
in a slumber of the mind
she prayed,
she hoped it was just another warm illusion
a comforting thought
but just passing by
but no
it was not to be
her heart as yet untouched
as yet untainted
was to be lost
lost in the folds of an innocent lust
lost in a dream of love
lost in a wave
carried towards a shore
far away
never to beat the same
ever again.

Wishful Thinking

Ah damn, i wish it was the end of next week already so that my exams would be over and I could enjoy my 10 days of study leave by taking off somewhere instead of having to be holed up studying.

I wish the world would stop turning for a coupla hours every night so that I could get some much needed shut eye and still wake up before 6 a.m.

Ah, i wish i was fitter and more agile so that I could take a break from working out without feeling guilty and start off again when my body slips back to it's present state.

I wish i could travel during office hours without having to take the office van or bus and still end up at home in 20 minutes.

I wish i had a black belt in karate so that the next time i get into a fight, I wont have to.

I wish these ficking three-wheelers had taxi meters, so that all the fun of bargaining won't end up either causing a hole in my pocket or an injustice to a poor chap trying to make a living.

I wish that I just had the standard three wishes so that I could simply wish for a thousand more and keep wishing for things instead of having to work for 'em.

Yes that about covers it. I think.

To

My queen
the heroine of my dream
my fleeting illusion
or a vision
of a future never seen.

spellbound but detached
i watched, and
she looked my way as well.
Those fleeting smiles
those slight thoughtful frowns
those moments
when i looked in your eyes
i lost a fantasy that was freshly found.

a few words exchanged
nothing but casual conversation
an engagement which
does not attract my particular favoration.
But our minds were gripped
by words never to be spoken
and feelings not known to express
by a simple human tongue.

and there we stood.
While the world revolved
while songs were sung
And little conversations died and born.
Fleeting seconds
eating into awareness
stamping magic
to be remembered.

a fantasy found
and quickly lost
no fear in trust
but a fear in lust
a fear, but probably irrational.
For then she left.
And i was cast in doubt.
Wondering, but not for long
for she was just another girl i met
who captured my breast
and held herself there
listening to my heartbeat.

yes, they are rare.
But they are also fleeting in their existence
and one day
if i met u again my queen,
that magic that had once been
perhaps would be lost
as life and its elements,
take over with reality's sheen.

so why not stop.
Right here and now.
And leave ourselves
with these simple memories
immortalized rays of sunshine
stamping magic on our minds.

[may sound a bit corny but i dont care. Met this girl at a party. She was great. But nothing ensued. And nothing was and will be pursued. Its a memory though. And something i felt was worth having around. PeeaCE peOple!]

Ask a dumb question..

so then, my father starts chasing her round and round the car trying to call her into the house, cos my father draws and my mother draws u see. And then my mother goes out to see what all the commotion is about and to get her to come in and see the paintings!'

wait hold on machang so your father draws and your mother draws, do u draw as well?

no machan i jerk off. What do u do?

ah well, ask a dumb question.

Happy Birthday!!!!

to Middle Child..

Here's to a super duper outrageously awesome year ahead!!

And may you have loads and loads of new exclamation marks to exclaim with!


ps - im one day late. sorry sorry i just found out you see.. save the best for the last and all that heh. erm :)

Snappy

Damn, is everyone having a bad time? I swear, things have been doing the solo from 'November rain' on my nerves all week! Twanging them and twisting them beyond all recognition. This morning I lost my temper with my mother. Something I immediately regretted. Apologized right away though. Last person I want to hurt is my mama (makes gurgly baby noises)

Ok now back to my week. It all started with my ex. She doesn’t consider a conversation worthwhile unless she manages to piss me off somehow. She keeps going on and on pushing my buttons and I always keep my composure you see? but somehow she breached all my defenses yesterday and boom! I went Fick.

Some might wonder, if she's my ex why am i still talking to her? plain answer is I don’t know. Its not like we're romantically involved anymore. that ended a long time ago. But we tried, very stupidly it seems. to do the whole 'lets be friends thing' and before you know it, when we are in the middle of a totally normal conversation some monster from the past creeps in and metamorphoses into a raging beast of wrath destroying everything in its wake.

You know when you're sms'ing someone and things start getting heated up and pretty soon you're having two different conversations at the same time? when that happens, either someone backs down or someone cracks and unleashes the verbal demon so to speak. because pretty soon, two conversations turn into three conversations when you start having to discuss several points at the same time, and start splitting up more and more so it’s not surprising that pretty soon everything blows up sky high.

You might wonder how I’ve become such an expert on the intricacies of sms dominated conversation. Well you try having a long standing relationship with someone with sms as the chief (and mostly only) mode of conversation, and see. ‘Unhealthy’ you may say. I'll say 'uh, you think?'

Add to that an annoying iron that burns your shirt in the morning, the discovery that you have run out of clothes to wear and your laundry has been piling up, rabid dogs ganging up on you on the beach, people at work being total bitches, losing your temper at these bitches, exams looming up, assignments looming up, delayed presentations, delayed personal portfolio documents, disillusionment about my job and an unfulfilled dream to break away and get out of this place to somewhere free and floating and you will probably understand why I’m not that much of a happy puppy these days.

So if I yell at you, please understand it’s nothing personal, I’m just mentally charged up and badly in need of a fight. Any takers? Huh? ANYONE WANT A PIECE OF THIS?????*


*kidding kidding, Im calm. Ooomm, oomm, ah, i am a flower on a green field, floating like a feather, drifting on a summer breeze, a wisp of cloud. Ahh.

All day I dream

sghnbvfeowztt

dazed

you my eyes can't touch and my heart can't face

my life is separate

my death is a rat race

all my thoughts rage on to reach that fateful day

when the break of flesh from soul will see the universe uncovered.

I cowered.

A humbling sensation in my gut

a feeling of lonesome lust

a bust.

a statue of a female empowered.

recreates within my permeated conscience.

nonsense.

is that what i speak?

has madness overtaken me, already, at a subconscious level?

will i soon drivel?

will i soon slobber and swivel?

out there on the loaded road,

among young and old

a fool?

to pity

to let live but to avoid

to let go but not to be followed

lest the question is contagious.

what led this poor being

to the edges of the cliffs

teetering on the balance

over the vast oceans of insanity?

what clarity!

what an evil glint of intelligence.

yet what a desperate confusion

lies within those eyes

hides within that gaze

of frenetic intensity.

The dynamics of change

Got this sudden urge to try a mobile post. So this will be somewhat of a test post. As for the title, The Dynamics of Change, wel that was something right out of the realms of a mental gutter. But i'l get to that later.

so im not at all sure how this thing is goin to look once its posted. Spending a rather quiet saturday lolling around in bed. Bit of a rough one last night. How about a bit of spontaneous poetry then?

he sat
he clapped
the show starts.
The little people
dressed in black
in a snowy field
its a midwinter
witches' bath.
Its a farce
but the real thing
is not so different
and not so far away.
So they dance
wanting to be demons
but their blood might boil
if they knew what hell felt like.

Er. No idea where that came from. Sometimes i scare me. Neways hope all of yall r havin a wonderful saturday, I need to sort of start studying soon though.

On the note of change though, im sighing heavily because it seems that my days as a beach boy are numbered. And that number's gettin smaller by the day:S cheers.

Sent from my phone using trutap

Shagger on the beach!

You gotta realize now I am not using 'shag' here in the traditional Brightish sense of the word. Or, to put it in another way, I don’t mean by saying 'shag' that two people are going at it like a couple of dogs in mating season suddenly realizing that unbeknownst to them, they have moved to the middle of the high road in the heat of passion. Ok, them moving to the high road in the heat of passion is not really relevant to the explanation. But what the hell, It’s funny seeing those critters in mid-orgasm thinking WTF! When they suddenly see a full scale Ashok Leyland Viking bearing down upon them with all its fury. Screaming conductors probably don’t help the situation.

But getting back to the point, by 'shag' I simply meant a guy jerking himself off, in strict Sri Lankan singlo-english urban lingo. The same lingo in which saying 'fit' indicates that one is in agreement with something and tells nothing in particular about one's health. And where 'bugger' is idly flung around to describe anybody from your 4 year-old kid to your deceased English master and no forceful anal sex is even remotely implied therein. Remnants of a colonial age? Maybe the 'bugger', but the 'shag' I’m not so sure about. Anthropologists?

Anyway, getting to the interesting bit and to the root of all this dilly dallying on slang and the greater meaning of life, I saw a gentleman on the beach jerking off today. I mean like WTF? A guy goes for a peaceful run in the morning to stretch his limbs and kick start his day, and some chap standing with only a t-shirt on calmly jerking himself off with one hand while occasionally scratching his baby white butt with the other is NOT exactly something he generally wants to see. Add to that the whole ethical code of behavior thing. Don’t they have that kinda thing on Sri Lankan beaches? I mean sure, there are many people who regularly take an early morning dump, some of them calmly smoking a beedee or reading a paper (it's true, I’ve seen them) but that’s normal. See, I can handle (by handle i mean that my mentality can effectively cope up with) gnarled old Sri Lankan men doing a load on the beach ‘cos i know they probably dont have another option. And it’s only a few of them anyway. After the tsunami, the beach near where I live has simply turned into something almost from a travel guide to 'exotic third world locations' like. Lush greenery, wide, hardly polluted beaches, fine salty air, the occasional rabid dog, and a partly destroyed holiday home that the owners never got around to repairing.

Now there's something about seeing a chap calmly standing there looking at far off fishermen pulling in that big net (the name of which I forget) and calmly shaking his little white weener that is just enough to turn me a bit green. And you can bet it’s not with envy. He was just walking into the beach when I was passing the deserted bungalow. He was decently clothed then in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt yeah? On the way back though I was forced to witness the spectacle that I just went through with you.

I yelled 'Hey what the f*ck man?' while running past him. he just looked up, with a slightly surprised, affronted look on his face as if I was invading his privacy. Didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. Was working his hand up and down the whole time. I did the whole circling-your-index-finger-a-little-above-the-vicinity-of-your-ear thing that I know to universally mean 'you’re crazy' and ran on. Just hope he wasn’t spotted by any of the fishermen or tough beach dwellers living out there. They can get a bit sensitive about these things. You gotta have some cultural savvy you know. Damned foreigners.

So you...

...see, im planning on starting a new hobby/ joining the local artsy fartsy club. Problem is, I dont have a digicam. So here's where you beautiful people come in, can ya'll tell me what kinda cam I should get (being the enthusiastic amateur that I am) keeping in mind that my budget is somewhere between 20 and 30 grand (im talking Sri Lankan grands right) and that I am having a cousin conveniently flying down from the US of A this month (assuming things are cheaper there)?

Anyone?

The Way

This song has been in my head for the past coupla days now. Can't shake it off. It's my new ringtone as well. It's an awesome freedom anthem man. The embodiment of an urban fantasy for eternal bliss.

It's based on a true story, that of Lela and Raymond Howard, an elderly couple from Salado, Texas. They left their home to go to a family reunion 15 miles away and never arrived there. They disappeared on the road. Fastball bassist Tony Scalzo came up with the idea for the song after reading the articles (the band is from Austin, Texas) in the papers after the couple's disappearance. He said "It's a romanticized take on what happened" meaning he didnt go 'aiyo sin men' and picture something that someone else might, like an unfortunate accident maybe. No, He pictured them on a quest for freedom. Reunited with their younger days, punch drunk with love again, their whole lives ahead of them, going down that golden road, perhaps signifying heaven.

As it turned out, and as the band discovered soon after they wrote the song, the couple had met with an accident, and a very unfortunate one at that. But the song stands testament to Fastball's brilliance. And to the wonderful nature of the human imagination. And also i am sure, as a fitting tribute to Lela and Raymond.

***

They made up their minds
And they started packing
They left before the sun came up that day
An exit to eternal summer slacking
But where were they going without ever knowing the way?

They drank up the wine
And they got to talking
They now had more important things to say
And when the car broke down They started walking
Where were they going without ever knowing the way?

Anyone could see The road that they walk on is paved in gold
And It's always summer, they'll never get cold
They'll Never get hungry
They'll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows Wandering off somewhere
They won't make it home
But they really don't care
They wanted the highway
They're happier there today , today

The children woke up
And they couldn't find 'em
They left before the sun came up that day
They just drove off
And left it all behind 'em
But Where were they going Without ever knowing the way?

Anyone could see the road that they walk on is paved in gold
And It's always summer, they'll never get cold
They'll Never get hungry
They'll never get old and gray
You can see their shadows wandering off somewhere
They won't make it home
But they really don't care
They wanted the highway
They're happy there today , today (repeat)

~ Fastball.
(video)

Compromised

Feeling the blue blight of shocked, sightless eyes
A break in the horizon leaves me in thoughtful compromise
It is a cut horizontal in it's dimension
which cleaves the edge of my heart and frays my intention.

Non benevolent absolution
that attempts to appease my mind
a play at pretension, owned up to but it is secretly hoped,
that the disguise of intellect will go unnoticed

But the insides of stupidity so artfully concealed
beneath a fickle mental layer of sawdust revealed
under the battering punch of a heavy weight boxer
smashing it to smithereens.

Driving into the layer beneath
deeper into the emptiness within
creating questions of enormous self doubt
bleeding, seething, revealing all

All the darkness cleverly concealed
the pit of doom is uncovered beneath
and through the light layer of forest brush and leaves
I fell screaming
towards the sharpened, poisoned beams.

Fallen off??

Hey yo! what happened to St. Fallen? our friendly neighborhood blogger of a misunderstood sexually abusive nature, occasional pot smoker, guitarist, lyricist and dreamy poet?? You there brother? Hello?

Blocked

Writers block is a terrible thing. I find my mind chock a block full of things i'd like to talk about, well, write about, but goddamnit! i cant write! Helpp!

Oh yeah and its about time you stopped throwing those bitch fits cos im getting kinda tired of it. Yeah you know who you are. The blogosphere has been strangely bland of late maan. There's too much of the same thing going around what? or maybe it’s just me. Obama's been a hot topic well, he’s always a hot topic. I personally think he'll either fall into the conventional US presidential stereotype and advocate peaceful foreign policy and play the middle road or he'll start acting upon all his rhetoric and belief and shake everything up in Washington. He'll have powerful enemies. Huge corporates with vested interest in the existing government. Powerful lobbyists. Israel with their usual narrow minded murderous intentions.

The American power base is too steeped in deep rooted corruption for one man to be able to change it all. Sometimes i think we've got it better over here. Over there, damn. Things have been operating the same way for so long that all of it has intertwined to form one hell of a big balled up fishing net and no one will be able to unravel it on their own. Obama will either have to inspire the people who can really change things. That is, convince powerful individuals to give up personal interest and work for the greater good of the world. and I mean really work for it. sincerely and honestly. with long term intent for nothing but the good of humankind. sound like a bunch of idealistic nonsense right? Exactly.

So assuming Obama does turn the way we're all hoping he would, and assuming he fails to unlock the sweet caring nature of corporate bigwigs and Washington powerbrokers and inspire them into being a godsend to the people, instead of a scourge, he's gonna create a lot of friction. And remember Kennedy? JFK the reformist? Obama may go down in a burning ball of flame. To be forever remembered as the guy who believed we could change the world.

And we? what would we do? Oh, we'd just go back living our sad little lives each of us trying to trample down the guy below to get as high as we can. Up our own little ladders we go! Ah it’s a wonderful world (Cat Stevens people, now there’s a guy who gave it all up and totally changed himself).

desire, rewire, refire.

Singling out certain doubts, feeding them and nurturing them and letting them grow in to beanstalks leading into darkness beyond white fluffy clouds that were once full of rain and then the sun came out.

But our journey takes us beyond into the mesmerizing plains of the atmosphere, a canopy of fear guarding our worst failures. And failures to be will emerge as the poetic dream shifts its surge and looks back down to where it came from.

A shifting tarmac of dark golden star tracks. A dreaming deer caught in the headlights of oncoming sunlight. The seething fear of broken down emotions.

The bleeding dear of a loved one's bosom is caused by you, you who pierced it with a stake of molten metal, you who hurt them till their blood turned blue.

Yet it is you who regret and float above the stratosphere, it is you who look about and see with wandering eyes the negative possibilities in the darkness that is so near.

It is you who fear.

It is you who refuse to see the clear light of the stars above your head, now removed from all obstacles in between by your journey of fear that transcended your barriers which were the clouds of rain and sunshine that you did not want to leave.

Your beanstalk has grown and your giant is waiting, it is the sky and the stars are the golden eggs of that chicken like bird that will make you rich and it is yours to grasp and to live and to die. Freedom's limits are literally in the sky.

That is why. You need to look up and cry. For joy, and the pain of leaving what is below, far behind.

What I do to chill out

Ah man, things are getting more hectic by the day, as the presure of impending exams and assignments builds up on top of work and the hassle of being in between shifting homes you increasingly look for more ways of relaxing. More ways of using what little free time you have to relax as much as you can. Here are my top 5 ways of relaxxxing.. aaaahhh

1) Working out - from anything to running, cricket, b-ball to lifting some weights to push ups at home. its really hard to bring yourself to do it but once you force yourself to start you'll feel the lethargy slipping away and some energy entering your bloodstream, and feel pretty much great afterwards!

2) Movies - Something which just takes you away for a couple hours to somewhere where the world as you know it does not exist. Just watched Master & Commander the other day. It was inventive, witty, the plot is intelligently devised. Other favorites include the Lord of the Rings (all three movies which i've lost count of how many times ive watched), Stardust (a bit girly maybe but still great!), The Martrix Trilogy, Snatch, The Godfather, The Illusionist, Anything by M. Night Shyamalan, City of Gods and the list extends.

3) Nature - Looking at the stars or staring at the waves. Those are th most accessible wonders of the universe to me. owing to me living close to the beach. The stars of course, are free to look at for anybody.

4) Reading - I read a lot. Right now i'm going randomly through Adam Smith's 'Wealth Of Nations' but no before you call me insane I do read the occasional novel. Used to read them a lot more back in the day but just find them too distracting now. So i've rationed myself to the occasional treat. Last couple I read were Terry Pratchett's 'Carpe Jugulum' and Isaac Asimov's 'Robots and Empire'. Mostly tend to stick to Sci-fi Fantasy stuff. have any of you guys heard of a chap called Iain M. Banks? he writes excellent sci-fi. The late A.C. Clarke is also a big fav.

5) Other stuff - like listening to music ( from heavy metal to trance to the radio to relaxing stuff like Enya, Enigma and just discovered this awesome Sri Lankan lounge band which Realskullzero plays in), to the occasional cigarette, to chilling out with friends to going for long drives on empty roads with some radio jockey for company. Lots of other things in fact, but only these just popped into my mind right now.