Pick up fine

We travel back in time a decade or so and...

There i am, a confused teenager wondering how the whole guy girl thing works. Slowly, pop culture exposes me to the phenomenon of pick up lines and i confront the holy grail of sexual pursuit; this is what i had been waiting for, this was the secret!

I put my newfound knowledge into practice. I started off with the lame 'have i seen you somewhere before?' line at an Interact event. A series of bemused girls say mixtures of things like 'er. i dont know hmm let me think about it', 'er, have you? where?' until, jackpot! one goes 'oh yeah at drama comp right?!' (i had never been to a drama comp in my life) i say 'yeaaah, i think you could be right!'.

So this one is really pretty and im all excited and manage to carry through a conversation and get her number and promise to call her sometime. Only i was so excited to have pulled it off i had to ask her three or four times afterwards for confirmation. Just to make sure it had really taken place outside the confines of my mind.

This other time, im at a rock concert and im walking up the stairs at MKOP. There are these two girls and one of 'em, as far as i could discern, was checking me (or possibly my friend, assuming she was slightly squint eyed) out while we were going up the stairs, so i go upto them and ask the one who was looking;

'Have you been feeling kinda tired lately?'

What can only be retrospectivey described as confusion, but disguised to my eyes in the heat of that moment as charmingly aroused curiousity, passes across her face.

'Uh tired? No?'

A pause, she was obviously not wondering which lunatic asylum i escaped from; Angoda or Mulleriyawa, and then she drops the question i've been waiting for...

'Why?'

So let her have the punchline.

And lean against the bannister and look into her eyes, not a lot unlike Elvis, expecting to see that brief moment when she would melt as her walls of restraint collapse beneath a river of uncontrollable adoration.

Instead I see horror. And indignation. And she blurts out;

'Excuse me but my mom is here!'

That was probably the only thing she could think of, but she was refferring to the 'chick' standing next to her, and the scary part is that I think that really was her mom, who was leaning on the banister like some rocker chick and giving me a look as if to say; where did you get the balls??

So i followed the first instinct of wisdom, I flirted with the mom. No, not really, I walked away before any fathers or brothers could materialize. See the thing with instinct is you gotta make sure its not too influenced by the latest installment of American Pie, or you'll find yourself getting into a sticky situation, rather like that unfortunate pie in the movie.

The Wolf who cried Who

In ancient China there was once a pack of hungry, starving wolves. These wolves lived on the edge of a village of WILF hunters, a curious pack of Chinese with deviant sexual tastes.

The winter stretched long and hard, it seemed as if not one but two winters had passed, the forest was barren and the trees had lost their luster, the food was scarce and even rabbits weren’t procreating as much as they were traditionally used to. In fact, the only people who were actually getting any were the villagers, But as for actual procreation, well that was on an all time low for the whole region.

The bum trap was laid on the ground. Sinister, black and covered with snow so its sinister blackness would not be visible. Two Paw Menace stepped lightly over it. He knew how to avoid a bum trap now, every wolf worth his full moon moan knew how to do that. Note that i said 'moan' and not 'howl' as wolves are normally accustomed to do. This is a morbid story with morbid people in it, and it's dabblings in the dark side of human and animal nature is positively horrible to behold. So be warned, graphic scenes await you.

Now Two Paw Menace (Two-Pee-Em for short) was a bit of a scallywag, and actually enjoyed screwing around with his fellows (as if the humans weren't doing enough already, his pack was often heard to grumble) now and then.

Meanwhile Who, the greatest WILF hunter of them all, was setting out for his mid-morning er, filler.

Who was the greatest WILF hunter of them all. He was big, he was brave, and he had an insatiable er, appetite. As a matter of fact, whenever any one asked a question such as 'Who was big?' 'Who was brave?' and 'Who had an insatiable er, appetite?' The invariable answer would be 'Who, that’s who'.

He was peculiarly set apart from his fellow villagers (and all other Chinese probably) in one aspect. Indeed, it was almost the source of his weird strength and obscene disposition. It was menacing and strong. It was horribly deformed and was adorned with the most frightening spikes and various gadgetry especially designed to inflict the most amount of pain possible. Who took his hunting seriously, and not many a wolf lived to tell the tale of an encounter with Who.

Who was the dread of all wolves high and low, big or small, fair or tawny. Who was the most menacingly morbid, painfully bleedingly insane Chinese villager of them all? Who, that’s who.

I'll let you figure out the rest.

(Hint) It goes something like this;

2PM cries out 'Who!' The rest rush to the rescue, find out he was screwing around again, and leave in disgust.

(X 2)

Who actually shows up, 2PM cries out 'WHO!' no one shows up. 2PM gets royally screwed.

The moral of the story: It doesn’t pay to be too cocky, even if you're a wolf.