Killing thyself for a lost love

Depsindacopus,
sexindafocus,
lostinthejokus,
leftinthelurchus.

Mixing the thought train,
fixing the left brain,
ditching the heart,
and slicing the blood vein.

Feeling the death pain,
screaming the next name,
for the first name is cause,
of this suicide

Feeling the life drain,
seeing the red paint,
closing to numbness,
can't think straight.

Fee ling late,
mi i ssed the bus,
can't think straight,
whats all the fuss?

Whats all the rush,
i'm where i want to be
don't save my life,
i like where i am.

I'm getting away,
took the fire escape
my eyesight must fade
from the memory of that face.

That face...
my eyesight must face...
the memory must fade..


beeeeeep.

Rapture

Another one in my head right now just when I thought that the rapture was dead.
Another lead into the darkness and beyond it the prospect of eternal light.
Careful! the warnings of my past flash red as the train of my conscience flows uncaringly ahead.
The rails are rattling below but the engine is fast, carefree and this time the forces just might be evenly spread.

The tunnel is dark yet the walls shine bright in a weird luminosity emanating a phosphorescent glow.
The tingles of anticipation flow down my spine and the electronic surges of battering sharpness threaten to overcome what sense is left in my mind.
This simple rhyme fails to express the complex and visceral emotions running through the neurons in my veins.
The blood pumping in my ears fails to realize the fickleness of the power brought upon by another temporary surge of adrenaline.

The button screams 'Push!' while my fingers type frantically on my flickering telephone screen.
The sheen of slight slippery sweat on my brow will hopefully pass to the masses unseen.
The reviving of old beasts causing snaps in the wind as they break free of lashes binding them within prisons of transparent steel. The roars of their awakening glorious in my ears.
And together we rush on precariously yet strangely beautiful through the void of the darkness and other forms of the invisible and enigmatically concealed.

The blood pushing the spinal chord to breaking point chasing the whirlwind to ever faster highs through the darkness and the strange glowing phosphorescent light into what is beyond but the great blue blight where the roads are teeming with calm oxen pulling carts of owls refusing to sleep despite the day might have some implications that are better thought of and dealt with in the present but such is the rush of the blood the mentality is a gush with the senses consumed with the blooming conscience and the contradicting realizations the rapture is now.

The Deafening Silence

Floating through the stratosphere
I am but a particle of dust in comparison
To the vastness of the universe and yet
My longing will never cease
Never till the day you float along beside me
Caught in the same cross currents of the cosmos,
Will I be at peace.
Words of a desire, projected in silence.

Two hearts caught in conjunction
Within a dangerous republic
A republic of morality, led by a vigilante
The vigilante of love.
A collective conscience motivated by,
A ponderous existence.
Words projected with punch drunk emotion,
In the stifling silence.

I float on, in hurtful imbalance
Seeking moderation, acceptance.
The gravity of my being, needing an orbit of affection
To forever circle in a vice like grip
Gripped in intelligence, or a lack thereof.
A passionate existence, led in silence.

A peaceful moderation of the violence born
Of a convivial mutual existence
An unclaimed dream, an admittance into
Binding forces of supernormal proportions
The cosmos raging on, forever and beyond.
For eternal satisfaction, of an unfound vision.

Words of passion,
Spoken with the means of,
An unbreakable silence,
A love for another,
A peaceful existence,
Beyond freedom.

To my unrequited love...

Tableau

He said hi

She shrugged

He asked why

She shrugged again.

The grey sky

Was heavy with rain

But he thought he could still see

The sun peeking out.

Again he asked,

Why?

She said why not?

He said 'but....'

She stopped him there.

And so he was split

The gash deepened a bit

A conflict in his soul

Whether to stay or go?

His feet dragging him away

His heart willing him to stay

Her eyes enigmatic

Her soul a mystery.

And so they stood

Whilst the sky darkened

And the lightning flashed

Burning their silhouettes onto memory.

The Cost

Quiet. Sshh!
Riot!
Liars and Robots
Flyers and pennants
Kill!
Power!
Blood!
Murder!

Quiet! Ssshhh!
The baby sleeps
A mother weeps
Revolution!
Havoc!
A father tries to feed
His mistake;
To breed.

Shout!!
Loud!
The world is too proud!
Bizarre!
Kill!
Beware!
Happiness is dark
Tinged with blood

Useless!!
The screams.
keep going!
hope!
Never fades
The race
Suffers.
Ideals lost
What we forgot
The cost?
Is too great

F*CKIN’ CHARLIE!

How many times has anyone you know, or it could be you, been suddenly confronted by one of those moments warranting a swear word and chosen ‘F*ckin’ Charlie!’ to vent?

I mean WTF? I’ve said it lots of times myself. My boss says ‘My Charlie’ in an effort to just sound nicer. Last year I met with a car accident and the only thing that came to my mouth was a muttered ‘f*ckin Charlie’ right before the windscreen smashed in. and no, in case you’re worried all I suffered was a miraculous little cut on my finger. Now I will not blaspheme and would kindly request you to refrain from suggesting that Charlie is a God, and that implying sexual intercourse is the way of invoking his protection. Because we all know that’s impossible, I mean you don’t see any temples dedicated to him anywhere do you? Er, do you?

Who is this Charlie? Are we (Sri Lankans) the only ones who use this term? Then why Charlie? Why not Siripala (the subjet of so many sinhalese swear expressions such as Ammatasiri etc.)? Anthropologist, linguist, or not, these questions need answers damit!

Working

Split

Ok. Relax. You are not going to publish this. Believe it. I will not publish this. I will not betray you. This is not a gimmick. This is an exercise in truth.

Walk the line, look ahead. Don’t get distracted by the pretty lasses on the sides of your path. They are waving at you and some of them appear to be taking off items of clothing but no. DO NOT LOOK.

You need to FOCUS FOCUS. Keep your head together and alert. Know what you want. Believe you can get it. It is not too late. You’re still in with a fighting chance. The fact remains that the only factor that will determine your success is your determination to succeed!

This will not be published. This is a private pep talk. This will not go public. Forget about it. FOCUS on the ball game. FILL that VISA form. FILL IT NOW!

Looking back on my initial plan to bloggify my journal I would say that the effects have been mixed. I have become extremely ‘commercialized’ in my own way. I used to be an underground metal head and now I’m Britney Spears in terms of what I write. This will not last. This will be Published. And my defiant waaah will accompany my deep throated scream to all and sundry! If you don’t like me, then it’s just too bad for you!

Okay now, where the hell did that come from? But these are my raw wounds, my rotting holes crawling with worms. Friable, eatable worms. Yum Yum. Excuse me while I swallow the spit juicing up my jowls.

BACK to the ball game. BACK to focus. The death has not arrived yet that can overcome a dream! And I have a dream. However vague or disembodied it may sometimes seem, I live for those days of clarity, where I know exactly where I want to be, those days which I live for, which come perhaps only once in a year. When I know that somehow my dream has to be protected through its dark days, if I am to ever see it come true.

So sod off!! I’ll get there if it’s the last thing I DO!!!! AARRGHH.

The day is still dark. SO WALK THAT LINE WHACKSTER! You can’t run of you don’t know how to walk.

SPECIAL REPORT: Why Mervin Should Not Be Arrested

So the Supreme Court has released an arrest warrant for the notorious gangster Mervin Silva. Now we all know the gangster side of him. The side we’ve come to love and admire; friend of the poor, protector of the masses etc. But little did we know that he is actually the reincarnation of the great magician from Camelot, here to advise our very own version of King Arthur. Yes, his real name is MERLIN people, not Mervin. You read it first on The Whackster’s Lair.

Astrologers have been working on the mystery of Mervin for quite some time now and have no other explanation for his amazing deeds. Never before has such an exceptional level of thuggery been seen in this country, not even from the experts at the art that we usually get in the mob house honorable institution we lovingly refer to as the ‘parliament’. Such is the class of Mervin that he openly engages in public violence and gets away with it scot free. And never, not since medieval times has such blatant disregard for law and order by an official, meant to uphold the very values and ethics he breaks, been welcomed with so much ardor and love from his fellow goons members of the mob house parliament.

However, to get off the sarcastic tone and onto a more serious one, the very same astrologers have made a startling discovery in the process of their studies. They have discovered that the soul of Merlin the magician, originally full of virtue and goodness, had grown contemptuous and bitter after long years stuck wandering the cosmos, from sheer impatience out of waiting for the prophesied time to come. Merlin, only meaning to do good to the world and help the masses, had grown into a seething mass of hate and bitterness, out for the kill you could say.

For mystics speak of a prophesy, a prophesy whispered to Merlin on his deathbed so many years ago, by a mysterious sha-man from the Arctic. And as he lay there dying, he was told that his soul must wait till there was someone born who will be worthy enough to accept him into his body. A noble individual whose nobility was beyond comparison. So Merlin was destined to wait.

Centuries, no, millennia had to pass before the prophesied little boy was born with the bodily infrastructure suitable enough for the great soul of Merlin. And there, born out of wedlock to a cattle breeder, little Mervin Silva screamed his first note of defiance into the backside of a brooding cow, which promptly peed on him.

Such were his roots. But the corrupted soul of Merlin the magician took over our poor hero, who was meant to save us from oppression, and turned him to something dark. Very dark. I will not stress on what happened next. His meteoric rise to glory among the retarded political class. His open love for violence, his equally corrupt offspring etc.I am confident that you are aware of them. But a growing body of evidence is being discovered through various secret underground experiments carried out by famous astrologers working non-stop on the problem, that Mervin can actually be reformed, that the corrupt soul of Merlin can actually be exorcised from the body of this poor man; and made good once again.

In accordance with this, the astrologers and the powerful sponsors of these studies are ready to secretly provide concrete evidence to the Supreme Court that arresting Mervin Silva will only antagonize the soul of Merlin. It will only heap upon us destruction and oppression of previously untold proportions. The only way, the evidence strongly suggests, is to appease the soul of Merlin, to let him express his hate and release all the frustration pent up through millennia a little more, until he sees the good side of things, or is made to see it. Therefore, it is the belief of many that Mervin’s arrest should be vehemently avoided for his own good and the good of his countrymen.

So Sri Lankans are advised (chiefly by the anti-propagandist left wing media organizations) to be a bit more patient. A little less selfish. Who are we to mess with matters well beyond our intellectual capacity? Do not clamor for the arrest of Mervin, for that will only bring about more suffering upon you. Let our ignoble leadership handle him. They've done a splendid job so far. Put your faith in them just a little bit more.

Random weavings through the blogosphere

OK so I was bored. Things have been a bit quiet on the blogosphere. Mostly repeated political and other boring stuff going on. and i think its about time that people stopped talking about porn. the jokes getting a bit too old. I closed my eyes and randomly moved my mouse pointer up and down over the list of blogs on Kottu. Here’s my review on what I found.


LIRNE Asia – some sort of telecom industry blog. “A regional information and communication technology (ICT) policy and regulation capacity-building organization active across the Asia Pacific”. Something like. ICT for peace then. Looks good but im in no mood for this right now.

Day to Day – "Inexperienced blogger. Comments welcomed" it says. Two posts. One titled 'first day'. Other one says that the writer is freaked out about upcoming ALs in no uncertain terms. Also reiterates his doubts in the first post as to whether anyone will read his or her blog. Well I did. All of it. Hope G_MAN (guess its a he) comes online and starts doing his thang again soon. Oh ya and a sort of interesting discourse on the local education system seen firsthand from some who, in his own opinion, seems to have got the somewhat shittier end of the stick : -)

Six & Out - someone called Rosh last blogged about how shifting to a new place is wreaking havoc in their life. A self confessed former addict to facebook, something to which I can relate to. Apparently also an enthusiastic member of fighters club too. Now in my opinion those guys either have waay too much time on their hands or there is something intrinsically wonderful about fighters club that I’ve somehow missed.

Random Rantings - first I have to say that there seem to be quite a few blogs that expound the words ‘random’ and ‘ranting’. Guess those are two words synonymous with blogging. Anyways, tinkerbell here blogs about nothing in particular. A HUGE number of older posts so tinkerbell has been at it for a while. Obviously a veteran. Came across a post on funerals which I thought was pretty great.

Maheshsandaruwan - Another one of those blogodrome curiosities. Kid from rural Sri Lankan village. Blogging about topics such as ‘my grandma’, ‘water’, ‘my school’ etc. what I find interesting is that these kids somehow find the enthusiasm to start up a blog site whilst living in a remote area of a country like ours. Questions pop into my mind; does he own a computer? How did he get exposed to blogging etc. Last post May 11. He’s also got a flikr account. hmmmm

SeeJay.net - Wanna learn GIMP??? The topmost post screams at me. No thanks. Maybe later. Good looking blog though.


That’s when I found something else to do. But it’s crazy the amount of blogs that are there on kottu. Most of my findings were previously nknown to me. Makes me wonder at the furious exchange of thoughts and ideas that would ensue if they were all thoroughly active. But who has the time eh?

Blood On Your Hands

Lost in time, for what is time but the manifestation of lies? A material illusion that is not a substance tangible

Flipping by with space, the endless race we race, is against no one but ouselves, for the greatest lie is time

Lost in time, lost in space, I wonder why, we're always lost in lies.

The Human Race, this terrible pace, dragging us onward, towards the end.

But to what end? and is there an end? The questions and answers, lost along with us.

Lost in time, warring destiny, fighting fate, breeding hate. On we go, towards a percieved end.

But to what end? when the question is posed, there we lie, juxtaposed,

Will your journey take you, to pay homage to your host?

These question lie, but the answers to you are lost in lies, lost in space, forever lost; lost in time.

August 12, 2008, 12.44 pm the usual place

My mind whirls. It feels like such relief to just get back to impure writing again. Writing simply for the sake of it. Not for comments, not for grammatical accuracy. Not for acceptance in the blogosphere. You carved out a different personality for yourself. Went in disguise. But still, when that personality started to develop a reputation of its own, you became self conscious gain. You wanted to make sure that even that ghost personality was cool and in with the crowd. This disgusts me.

My Mind is a whirl. Yes I know that this is the second time I am saying that but what do you expect in a whirl other than to see the same things circulating over and over again in endless circles that keep going on and on and on.

Trying to focus. I can’t. The VISA looms ahead. Going abroad looms ahead. Yet I cannot face myself to the possibility that I will fail to gain entry into the Masters program. I desperately need to do so. I feel. Going to the bachelors is going to set me back TWO whole years! Damn…

I will know soon. In the next few days hopefully. Things are grim. Add to that the failure of me being always on my feet doing what I gotta do to get it. The failure of me manifested in the fear parties that I throw within my confines that are the causations of writings which as these. I do not know why I can’t just blindly go on ahead. Why do I have to stop to think? To dwell on the fears of failure when doing so will only increase my chances of failing?

Ok. So what do I have to do next? The wisdom exists born of my own meager life experience. When you do not know what to do, start at the smallest thing you CAN do. The most obvious thing. It could be the tedious but simple task you have been trying to finish for the last couple of days and have panicked thinking that you have neglected the other important ones. But finish this. And finish this is I will.

Respite

It falls upon me once again
like the smothering light of a sunless dusk
gently about me in every way
a fog of pain to end my day

Through the noon and evening light
i covered my eyes because you shined so bright
now i feel remorse,
for now i dread the night

Night oh night, darkest night
sweat, blood, screaming, eery night
leaving me alone, cold and blind
a sheen of terror placed over my mind

I put it off for too long again
put it off and escaped temporary pain
but now as nameless fears manifest
a terrible weight sets upon my chest

Darkest night oh lonely night
set me free give me a little more light
though soon i know that light must fade
for a moment more, let me evade

Venture

The sandstorm fleeing before me, is but an illusion to my eye
Caught in a strange existence, within the confines of a mythical void
Chaos is counterproductive here, everything is relative
The more the churning dust rages outside, 
The more still and calm the air inside.

The temptation is overwhelming, the habit of comfort is the strongest vice
To stay within the eye of the storm,
Inside my oasis calm and bright.
But the dust tends to obscure, a little bit less everyday
And my eyes tend to procure, a little more mystery in the swirling haze.

Oh what would it be like? to venture outside on the darkest of nights
Where the moonlit plains are but a forgotten memory,
And the sun just might not ever rise?
Where dark confusion is the prevailing norm,
Where the swirling dust is the very fabrc of life

Where treasures lie which only the patient find,
To discover, to empower,
To see that to which we were always blind?

Lament of a Worker

Expecting, waiting but it's coming slow,
Winding it's way along hills high and low,
It's engine is slow,
And i think i'll just go,
Mad if I stay here just waiting some more.

Desiring it all but really wanting nothing,
Fussing and messing but no accomplishing,
Twisting it, turning it watching and looking,
Waiting and working but it's just not coming!

What is the point of this whole rigmarole?

We stay here for a few years and then we are bones,

And in that time why can't we live life and go

On in peace to the otherside, and to evermore?

Instead we have this whole tedious process,

You wake up you work till your whole life's a workplace,

You sell your soul and your pride to the thing they call Trade,

Oh what a MONSTER these humans have made!

They say that I am a centrist; What are you?

Take the World's Smallest Political Quiz and find out! I learned about it from Kasun's blog.

The quiz asks you a few questions based on general political and economic policy issues and then maps you. Like so.

Well it's a nice way of passing a few seconds cos thats all it takes. and in my case, i would say it is fairly accurate. I could'nt describe myself as 100% liberal and pro-free trade because i think capitalism needs ceratin controls. Open economies can be harmful for local industry especially in developing countries. Generally, I do believe that a government should be responsible for the countries security and soveriegnity and all things military. Also, call me a conservative prick but moral constraints should be apart of governance in my opinion. I am no communist either but i look at the effects of capitalism on the world (the rich-poor divide, vast pollution, destruction of natural resources to name a few) and wonder if it is the come all and be all of human ahievement aferall. Milton Friedman's ideas (open economy, government simply responsible for security/protection) are great in theory but in practical application i think it is limited by the world's natural tendency towards moral degeneracy. So freedom within control. Thats my idealogue right now. because we'd just tear ourselves to shreds of everybody was 100% liberal.

The quiz though, IMHO as a third worlder, is a bit more relevant to citizens in developed countries and may not be directly relevant to third world concerns. Meaning that some of the general political issues might take a backseat to some of our main ones, and the economic ones a bit ahead in the future for us in terms of direct application, but are still relevant enough to us as global citizens

Have a look and see if you agree with the test. I'd love to hear your feedback.

Apita Witharak Neethiya??

The pictures say it all. Displaying the utter chutzpah of anyone with a bit of power/authority over here.

But from a different angle; the corrupt coppers serve both sides of the table. How many of us have avoided a speeding fine or a drunk driving rap with a bribe of a few hundred bucks? I have. Several times. Read Indi's take on it here. and yet we curse them for ruining the land. Whos fault is it? the copper's? ours for our own form of encouragement? The culture and collective each-for-his-own mentality that exists? Or the freaking SYSTEM dude??!! (That is to say a generalization of what is wrong with the world in er, general).

Oh and btw, since publicizing it seems to be the trend, this is my 50th Post :)

My Luminous Skull

A doodle on a notebook. scanned and played around with on PhotoShop. Result of an awesomely lazy tuesday evening. Click to enlarge.

Letting go of the urge to fight. Instead; Write!

Write till the end of light, write for the hypocrite

Write for the bright, the shady and the right

Stop to fight, but do not forget to write!

Keep writing till the lines being written have been lost out of sight

As my luminous skull glows eerily in the night

All i feel is the urge to release, let go, and write!

Estranged

Our hands touch. Exploding. Sensations beyond mental grasp. This fire in my soul, is now a burning flame.

This is the end. There is no us. Sarcasm dark against the dusk. A murder in your eyes, in the dying day.

Avoiding. My pleading gaze. The dread fire seems to die down at last. The water of your eyes, has slowly made it fade.

So where do we go from here today, the sun is shining now but it will slowly fade away. And when it blurrs the picture of our fate, will we simply give it away?

Freedom from zest. Freedom. And now, i'm looking towards the glowing west. The sun is going down, extending my shade.

I'm walking back. Walking away. Towards a light and a new dying day. Yet hoping that this day, will never fade away.

Guys, the scum of the earth?

Reading the Messiah of Madness’s take on guys, at least her latest rant on the male species that was published on her blog (which she keeps changing the name of) a short while ago. I was a bit speechless, yet felt inclined to leave a comment to credit her masterful analysis. But I was quite literally stuck for words so all I could come up with was a quite subdued ‘erm..’

The Messiah outlines how a very good friend of hers was quite literally taken on a ride by this 22 year old ‘super-player’ who took it upon himself as a challenge to disprove her religious and conservative values and make her fall in love with him. Hmmmm.

She was of course, not trying to start an inter gender war of words or offend anyone. She made it quite clear that her statement was directed at only a certain part of the male species that acted like the afore mentioned guy and she admits as much when she says;

“ Guys are the neeking scum of the earth!!! K… not all… but most!!!”

That’s all very well. But her little post pushed my thoughts down a tunnel that I’ve been down before. So much so that I decided to sit down and write about it. All guys get a particular satisfaction when girls fall for them. It is flattering. It makes us feel good about ourselves. It gives you confidence in your battle at getting that elusive princess you have been chasing for quite a while. It tells you shortly, that you are an attractive and proud specimen of the male half of your species and that you have nothing to worry about in your ultimate quest to find a suitable mate. I suppose it is the same for girls as well.

The guy in question, at first glance, seems nothing surprising. For his kind is not rare. The kind that goes out of the way to get that attention. The kind that will do any unscrupulous thing in the book (and certain things that are not even in the book) to get a woman to sleep with him. I know few of them myself. They tend to waste an enormous amount of resources. Time, money, physical effort and tend to use all available mental capacities to accomplish it. They will go and meet their potential ‘prey’ wherever and whenever it is required. They will talk endless nonsense over the phone for long, long hours etc etc. but as far as I know, it is mostly in search of sex. But not always in a dirty way; mostly they are somewhat lost souls looking for satisfaction and fulfillment coupled with mental comfort and the sensation of being loved by a woman. Ego feeding I guess you could say.

But this guy strikes me as a bit different. The word ‘challenge’ and ‘love’ flash out at me. Apparently he wooed the Messiah’s friend as a ‘challenge’. To see if he could make her fall in love with him. He doesn’t strike me as your typical sex starved emotionally dependant individual. As a matter of fact, a part of me thinks maybe this guy actually likes her friend. Maybe one day he was walking down the road and he saw her, and he fell in love with everything that was her. Her eyes, her face, her hair, her voice, her manner, her walk, her feelings, her emotions, the very breeze that circles around her face, the very ground she steps on. Ok maybe not the ground she steps on. I have always found the whole concept of kissing the ground no matter who walked on top of it quite gross.

So maybe he considered himself such a hot shot and player and someone so special, that he couldn’t be going about falling in love with any and every single girl he meets. But he knew he had to have her. So what could he do? He couldn’t let her go. But at the same time he knew that he would not feel complete as a man if he couldn’t make her fall for him. He had to convince the world that here was man worthy of such a prize!

Or maybe the Messiah was right and he really is a creep. If that’s the case. Then he’s probably a real cold hearted sadistic pleasure seeker. A real conniving SOB, hell bent on self satisfaction and giving f*** all about other’s feelings. And we have had enough of those in the history of the human race to fill up hundreds of books.

Anyways, I hope the Messiah doesn’t mind this :). By the way, that girl can write, no matter how disillusioned she might be as to the extent of her abilities. And Lady Divine's raises a very valid point about women in her comment as well. so maybe the scum of the earth are just the scum of the earth. No gender discrimination involved? How politically correct.