An Echo of a Narcissist

On the eve of another weekend and I’m feeling so goddamn down. My finals start on Monday and I’ll be done by Friday. Imagine that eh, one and a half years of dedicated work and now I am finally wrapping up my dip. But Friday will also be the day when I kiss my love goodbye. One and a half years of motivation to come early to class every Sunday morning was definitely a good thing. Yet it is sad that it was never anything more than that. We talked, we laughed, had lunch together. Ah, I have some good memories with that girl.

Generally depression tends to take over me at odd times of the day. But strangely I am always happy in the nights. It is like all the possibilities, hopes and dreams of the next day manifest themselves as something more solid than mere fantasy. Yeah well, nights are definitely my thing I suppose. Or maybe this is just a passing illusion and the nights are just the best time of the day for me right now.

whatever said, my mood swings are so unpredictable that they just suddenly take over me out of the blue. it is like one moment i am all bubbly and the next; boom! lol but one good thing is that I now know that eventually the gloom will lift and i'll be myself again.

I am natutrally a melancholy person. I dont know, but some part of me will always like sitting down with a grave expression on my face and thinking grave thoughts. i suppose it is what i use to differentiate myself from the rest of the human race. sort of an attempt at playacting at being one of those Philosophical Greats i've heard about and admire.

i am an eternally self obsessed narcissist. or is it right to say it like that? i mean, if you're self obsessed then you have to be a narcissist, and if you are a narcissist then it goes without saying that you have to be self obsessed. i guess it was the wannabe philosopher in me again trying to impress. so i guess he will now have to decide whether he'd rather be called a narcissist or just self obsessed. let him ponder that.

while he is being kept busy, let me give vent to another of my personalities. notice i did not say 'split personality' and that is because there is nothing split up about my personalities. they are many and constantly mixing themselves up with each other to form new, and heretheto non-existent forms and always give in their input and jump in during the mental processes of my brain. Even, and especially, when they are not asked to do so.

But i would generaly describe myself and a person who is generally satisfied with his suroundings.

This brings me to the personality I was talking about. the Analyst. even at this moment the Analyst is analyzing what i am writing and together with the PR guy is trying to convince me to not be so open with the outside world. the reading of various crime and conspiratorial novels has left the Analyst eternally suspicious about what to reveal and what not to and he undergoes extreme pains to try and figure out how the individuals in his life will interpret what is being revealed and how every nuance will affect his future in different ways.

This attack is however counterracted on a constant basis by the Idealist and the Experimenter (who might just be one and the same; i do not know yet) who claim that putting yourself out there in nothing but raw and brutally truthful detail is too good a chance to miss. The I & E is almost sadistic in his intent to break all emotional and protective barriers of his psyche and takes an almost maniacal glee in doing exactly the opposite of what the Anylyst recommends.

Yet I&E is not a total psychopath. he will stop where logical reason dictates he must. He will stop whe he understands that his actions will definitely result in some unfavorable outcome. the Idealist & Experimenter (knowingly or unknowingly) often takes it upon himself to prove or disprove the sometimes outlandish, yet mostly reasonably acceptable, theories of the Analyst.

Well teamwork is alway a good thing is'nt it?

Until next time then peeps, the Narcissist (I think he's decided on that for now)has left the building.