Not long ago there was a time where i could write uninhibited by anything. By opinions, by the need to be recognized, by wants and desires, everything would just slip away in front of my verbal onslaught taking the sword to anything and everything that got in my way. But that time has slipped away from me now, this blog has changed me.
You know when your ideas are flowing right? and when you require next to no effort for them to come onto virtual paper? when you dont have to put pressure on yourself to come up with some witty remarks and keep pumping the joke machine like an emptily hissing bicycle pump?
Typing while trying to watch the screen is hard man, Iv always been a chap who'd look at the keyboard while typing. My imagination is dead man.
Or is my imagination a dead man?
My life just keeps flowing; ebb and flow ebb and flow. These are my darkest thoughts but i think i am a born pessimist, simply that self realization makes me want to stop all this and go back bed and sob into my pillow. Nothing happens to me that is interesting nothing happens that is worthwhile. I am a depressed worthless creature. And those who are foolish enough to love me, to follow me, there is nothing worse you can do. I suggest you fly away from this senseless pursuit now.
This is transmagoric, meaning it transports me somewhere on the mental plain but it only seems like i am on top of a cold ridge looking down on the blank depression that once was me, looking down on that seething mass of black monsters innocently playing around in a cleft in the hills. I am on the ridge now due to my thoughts having transported me. I am waiting on this ridge i am sitting on my haunches watching the cleft in the hill.
But there is nowhere for me to go. I will live on that ridge for a while and enjoy the cool breeze that ruffles through my hair but then i will just get bored and want to go back into that subclavian open air cave that is the mind that i am used to. A negative mind, a pessimstic self loathing mind. I have nowhere else to go and no other option but to live in my mind.
And in these dark confines, i reject all human contact and throw pity parties in which i ravage and bleed to my hearts content 'til the dawn breaks.
And as the cold morning air heralds the sunshine i forsee a new day, a new way. Absolved of all the bullshit of yesterday. Absolved of the negativity and the pain. Of the self induced delusion and the magnification of someone else's influence on you. Why fall prey to some worthless relief from the honesty of your soul? why be afraid to accept the uncoventional light that shines upon your insides? Why be afraid to accept the truth on which that light shines?
And why be afraid to let a part of you forever remain underground? you need that. you need that positive self delusion. delusion is not a bad thing, it is simply an interpretation of what is. What is can only be one thing. But our presence behind our eyes changes that one thing, and it is transformed as its glow permeats the backs of our eyes and its light is changed as it shines in on the inner chambers of our minds.
Therefore, the world is different to each of us. Subtly and radically.