You gotta realize now I am not using 'shag' here in the traditional Brightish sense of the word. Or, to put it in another way, I don’t mean by saying 'shag' that two people are going at it like a couple of dogs in mating season suddenly realizing that unbeknownst to them, they have moved to the middle of the high road in the heat of passion. Ok, them moving to the high road in the heat of passion is not really relevant to the explanation. But what the hell, It’s funny seeing those critters in mid-orgasm thinking WTF! When they suddenly see a full scale Ashok Leyland Viking bearing down upon them with all its fury. Screaming conductors probably don’t help the situation.
But getting back to the point, by 'shag' I simply meant a guy jerking himself off, in strict Sri Lankan singlo-english urban lingo. The same lingo in which saying 'fit' indicates that one is in agreement with something and tells nothing in particular about one's health. And where 'bugger' is idly flung around to describe anybody from your 4 year-old kid to your deceased English master and no forceful anal sex is even remotely implied therein. Remnants of a colonial age? Maybe the 'bugger', but the 'shag' I’m not so sure about. Anthropologists?
Anyway, getting to the interesting bit and to the root of all this dilly dallying on slang and the greater meaning of life, I saw a gentleman on the beach jerking off today. I mean like WTF? A guy goes for a peaceful run in the morning to stretch his limbs and kick start his day, and some chap standing with only a t-shirt on calmly jerking himself off with one hand while occasionally scratching his baby white butt with the other is NOT exactly something he generally wants to see. Add to that the whole ethical code of behavior thing. Don’t they have that kinda thing on Sri Lankan beaches? I mean sure, there are many people who regularly take an early morning dump, some of them calmly smoking a beedee or reading a paper (it's true, I’ve seen them) but that’s normal. See, I can handle (by handle i mean that my mentality can effectively cope up with) gnarled old Sri Lankan men doing a load on the beach ‘cos i know they probably dont have another option. And it’s only a few of them anyway. After the tsunami, the beach near where I live has simply turned into something almost from a travel guide to 'exotic third world locations' like. Lush greenery, wide, hardly polluted beaches, fine salty air, the occasional rabid dog, and a partly destroyed holiday home that the owners never got around to repairing.
Now there's something about seeing a chap calmly standing there looking at far off fishermen pulling in that big net (the name of which I forget) and calmly shaking his little white weener that is just enough to turn me a bit green. And you can bet it’s not with envy. He was just walking into the beach when I was passing the deserted bungalow. He was decently clothed then in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt yeah? On the way back though I was forced to witness the spectacle that I just went through with you.
I yelled 'Hey what the f*ck man?' while running past him. he just looked up, with a slightly surprised, affronted look on his face as if I was invading his privacy. Didn’t even have the decency to look embarrassed. Was working his hand up and down the whole time. I did the whole circling-your-index-finger-a-little-above-the-vicinity-of-your-ear thing that I know to universally mean 'you’re crazy' and ran on. Just hope he wasn’t spotted by any of the fishermen or tough beach dwellers living out there. They can get a bit sensitive about these things. You gotta have some cultural savvy you know. Damned foreigners.