There are times i feel not too unlike the character from Dostoevsky's Notes From the Underground. Paranoid, schizophrenic. Schizophrenic! People are out to get me damnit! are you listening?
The realization hit me full force just now. Schizophrenic, Its official. I don’t know whether to feel good about it or bad, because previously i thought i was simply egoistic. Cos that was the only word i could think of to explain the situation, seeing as i thought the world revolved around me, modern astronomical discoveries notwithstanding.
When I’m in the bus i can feel them staring at me.. judging me by my clothes and actions. Looking at me reading BBC while holding on to a seat back and i can feel them resenting me. for what? i don’t know. But they are about to mob me! so i look up and cast an appreciative glance around the place, just to let em know that i am also a humble traveler and there is no need to hit me.
At work i am constantly narrow eyed if colleagues are gathering around the tea table and talking, a sharp ear is cast in their general direction to discern what they are saying. If the boss has a meeting and most of the other team are there or they are looking generally shifty, all sorts of conspiracies never cease to go through my mind when i look in their direction and with good reason too! oh yes, they are all out to get me!
Sometimes the threats become too much and i can’t take it and so i come to depend on apathy. Sometimes and really this is true, the whole world conspires against me and tries to bring me to my knees. I get a painful feeling in my crotch and my gut starts to feel like its full of hot uneasy gas. And then i fart. No no of course i don't fart.
Interesting thing about asking girls if they fart? Some of ‘em will avoid the question like the plague. And some will straight up admit it and say yes. Then you're left trying to figure out a whote new set of psychological phenomena.
There is a swamp inside me and it’s called The Mind. And I’m stuck somewhere bogged down with a useless motorboat in the middle of the night and there are alligators circling me and they are getting closer bit by bit. And the closest one is called ‘Confusion’, while 'Paranoid' and 'Schizophrenic' are somewhere close behind. And behind all of them, circling in the widest circle, moves the biggest, most dastardly alligator you have ever seen, 'Defeat'.