Disillusionment tactic

She was standing on the sand. Her dress giving itself up to the whims of the wind. Her hair like wisps of night in the evening air flowing in waves around her face, revealing in turns to me her eyes, her nose, her gently curved mouth.

She was smiling slighly. She knows what im upto. What im trying to do. I try to hold her hand but she slips it away deftly, i cant resist reaching over to push her hair away from her neck. she winces.

She tells me she's changed her mind.

Ouch.

I take a step back, mentally. I should have thought this out better. Here i am, with her again knowing fuck all what i want to do. What I expect of her and what she thinks i expect of her. It is aways hard to approach the ones whom you are slightly in awe of. It is like approaching something frightening, like your principal's desk. You are unsure, you are hesitant, yet you push through with all the courage you can muster and a nonchalant expression on your face only to get suspended for ten days, or to be ordered to bring your father to school the next day.

I push on nevertheless, because i'm a think skulled man who doesn't know how to take no for an answer. And i reach over and place my hand on her neck. I expect her to stiffen but she doesn't. Or perhaps she did but i was deluding myself into thinking she didn't. Or perhaps i was so filled with self doubt that i could not imagine her not to stiffen at my touch.

I stoke her neck, her shoulder, her hair. I ask her why, i try to explain things, show her that this will work. That this can work, but she's not buying it.

In a minute or two she says she has to head back.

And that was the end of that.

Theres a voice inside that tells me to fight back. To go on. Deep inside the knowldedge lurks that when a woman says no, she usually means yes in a very convoluted and inexplicable way. She is beckoning me into her own mingled maze. But that is a maze you will get lost in if you attempt to walk it. That is a maze that hides the Minotaur of madness, waiting to grasp you and send you to your doom if you take but a single wrong turn. Is it a test of your manhood? or of your sanity and pride?