AARGH!!

I am numb and I am erased. Erased of reason and erased of sense. Why am I so irrational and why can’t I think straight only when it comes to this particular aspect of my life? I mean what bullshit. What freaking bullshit! Yeah I know, I feel like swearing. But the actions that I just did are so devoid of reason and clear thinking that it has me reeling so much. In fact, I think more than 75% of the discomfort I am feeling right now has resulted from me not knowing Why the hell I’m doing what I am doing rather than the infuriation over what actually happened.

Let me start at the beginning, or as far back into the beginning as I can go. She is impossible to talk to. You should know that. Her reasoning is beyond my comprehension and her thought trains are so complex that they twist within themselves everything I see as rational and real. What is so horrible is the fact that I repeatedly try and fail again and again to walk away. Or at least that has been the case for the past few weeks. Some months ago I totally walked away from her and was quite at peace. Till my life got skewed once again because of her external influence and Boom! Now we are both stuck in the confused mire of the quicksand of emotional turmoil that results from the mental amalgamation of two people with a torrid history getting back into familiarity.

And my God! What familiarity it has been! It’s like all the worst aspects of emotional arm twisting is taking place all over again. She is adept at the art of keeping you in suspense, adept at doing and saying whatever she wants while throwing a massive fit if you so much as imply that you are going to do the same. She is a master of deception and a master it seems, however much I refuse to want to believe it, of lies.

Yes that’s right. Lies. Plain cold hard downright emotional and factual, realistical and imaginary lies. I tell you it is so damn frustrating to be lied to. The funny thing is, she doesn’t even seem to be aware of the fact that she is lying. And lying comes so easy to her; I feel that it is now a second nature. From small little white lies to family members that we all think are innocent, to outright factual inaccuracies flung at your face, to outright refusals to accept the fact that she said something that was loudly and clearly heard by me and presumably anything and anyone within a goddamn ten foot radius.

It is virtually impossible to talk to her. You try getting at the truth and it is always the offensive. Boom! I come somewhere close to actually telling her the truth and what I really think that she is up to and you should see the defenses go up and the archers take their places in the narrow slitted windows! There follows an extensive barrage of ‘how dare you insult me’s and ‘how dare you call me a liar’s and ‘no one has ever talked to me this way before’s. And all I can think is that she is like the teapot that sings when the water gets hot. Except that in this case the water is the truth and the heating up is happening because my words are brushing way too close to it.

And why can’t I walk away? I don’t bloody know. That is killing me even more! I know I should just kiss this valueless situation goodbye and go live life like any sane male in his early twenties should. I should. But I can’t. Well I can. I just did it this morning. I had walked away and was making up my mind to never see her again. When she suddenly sends me text saying ‘Im already beginning to miss you :-(‘. Yeah I know, I can’t Believe I fell for that… spineless moron! I deserve every single thing I got!

So there followed the inevitable meeting up for lunch. And numerous other complications into which I will not go into detail over right now at the immediate and very probable risk of me smashing my PC into bits and pieces.

!!!#!@R$!$#!@!@@#!!!!!

And then there followed more instances of more drama, and then some more. I tell you, I was well and truly dragged into the bloody dramatic role of Oscar winner for ‘this year’s most embarrassing role in theater or film’. With the ultimate result of me, yes ME! Now having to wait till SHE reaches home and calls ME. How did I even get into this situation?? How the hell do I get out? This is very, very, very Bad. Very Bad.

I am a freaking Drama King that’s what. I need to take a step or two back and evaluate the situation in the cold hard light of reality. Yeah. Like the Godfather you know, keep my head about me. Not lose my wits in a frenzy. The Godfather tells me to just cut my ties and walk away (we’re talking a very tame and somewhat pacifist Godfather here.) and I know that it is the right choice.

But then (:() who will admire me and laugh at my jokes? Who will look at me with those shining eyes and give me that shy look from the side of their faces. Who will constantly turn me on with their presence and make me so horny all the time? Even though I dare not do anything about it? Who will most of all be there for me when I am lonely and always be ready for some light banter when I need some cheering up?

Do the pros outweigh the cons? I don’t know. I definitely don’t hope so. Because if it does, even after all this time, it just proves me to be an emotional weakling. This mental gullibility of mine will have to disappear. And if a cold hard disregard for emotional dependence on others is what needs to be cultivated. Then so be it. Anything has to be better than this.